A more or less (perhaps less) accurate rendition of the recent behind closed door sessions on the Deepwater Horizon oil spill between Chairman of the Senate select Committee on gulf water affairs, Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, And Tony Hayward Chairman of British Petroleum.
Chairman Kyl: Good morning all, we will begin this morning by introducing everyone. I am the chairman of the Senate select committed investigating the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster and our guest today is the chairman of British Petroleum Tony Lyde Hayward.
Tony: Thank you sir.
Chairman: Now Mr. Hayward,
“What did you not know and when did you not know it?”.
Hayward: Well Mr. Chairman, that is a broad question. In fact it seems to be two questions. Could I ask you to be a little more specific.
Chairman Kyl; Well then I suppose it would be alright and in the spirit of the hearings to separate it into its component parts.
Hayward: OK then , I don’t know lots of stuff. In fact there are books full of stuff I don’t know.
Chairman Kyl: But under the constraints of the forgone terms of this senate hearing , that being the Deepwater Horizon disaster you are financially required to fix, About that issue, What did you not know.
Hayward: Well then, If we limit it that way I suppose what I didn’t know must also include the timeline for when I did not know it.
Chairman Kyl: OK then, what did you not know and when did you not know it regarding the deep water horizon oil disaster?
Hayward: We refer to it as a “spill”.
Chairman: OK. Disastrous spill then. Can we agree on that?
Hayward: Well chairman, We at British Petroleum we began to value ignorance early in the second quarter of 2002. After Exxon reported a record 20 billion dollar profit in the first quarter of 2002 on the heels of the 9.11 disaster. We suddenly became aware that ignorance of the pain and suffering of the American people was money in the bank. BP just expanded the concept.
Chair: So ignorance is company policy?
Hayward: Yessir.. In fact shortly after that incident BP took the proactive step of replacing all our engineers with knuckleboom operators from the log yard.
Chair: So we have established that you didn’t know a lot and you didn’t know it early. Can we narrow a few specifics. Specifics such as when did you not know the blowout preventer would not work, and when did you become aware that throwing words like Junk shot and Top Kill at the well did little to stop the flow.
Well we didn’t know that quite early. I might make a point of fact that it was "Top Kyl" in your honor sir. The press misrepresented my quote. Many of the knuckleboom operators have never worked water past their ankles before and the pressure at that depth can be quite challenging to people who never learned how to swim. But in Arizona you must have experience with that kind of thing.
Chairman: Lets stick to the Gulf if we can. What is the pressure at the depth of the Deepwater Horizon?
Hayward: Ha-Ha-heee...You said “Stick to the Gulf” that is so funny. - Uhm oh -sorry .
Hayward: Yes, the question, the pressure at that depth. Well sir, imagine a diesel truck loaded with coils of raw steel, about 80,000 pounds of it, and imagine that you were in the road and that truck ran over you.
Chairman: Is that the kind of pressure we are talking about?
Hayward: I really don’t know. But I like the imagery.
Chair: OK… You don’t have any idea what the pressure is at 5000 feet do you?
Hayward: Well one of my engineers said that it would be like hitting your thumb with a hammer.
Chair: Hitting your thumb with a hammer?
Hayward: Yes, about a thousand times.
Chair: A thousand times?
Hayward: All over,
Hayward: Really, Really Hard.
Chair: I see, and when did you not know the volume of crude spilling from the blown out well?
Hayward: I think the true value of our lack of knowledge became apparent when we tried to stop it up with a golf ball.
Chair: Oh yes – the Junk Shot.
Hayward: In fairness to us, It was one of Tiger's magic balls. We thought it would work.
Chair: Let's not go there.
Hayward: Allright, According to our flow estimates and the depth and pressure of the water that well should be sucking in the ocean instead of blowing it out. We thought that ball would act a little like a stopper in the hotel bathtub. But luckily we were wrong.
Chair: Luckily?
Hayward: Sir, all we have is undersea video to work with so it is pretty hard to estimate the actual volume. In short we still don’t know. The fact the golf ball was shot into Argentina gave us some more pressure data to work with. Mucho thanks to those fifth graders in Ohio who pointed out that that thing was blowing like molly cracker.. At least I think that is what they said. But I remind you. I don’t know.
Chair: But independent estimates have it at fifteen times the BP estimate.
Hayward: Well you know, we have to work with the engineers we have. Like I said we just don’t know. Besides, it's the gulf of Mexico for crying out loud. You are acting like the British invaded Washington again…It's not like we dumped it in the Thames or in the Gulf of America.
Chair: Actually I believe the Gulf of Mexico is “The Gulf of the Americas” but I won't beleaguer the point. But I would like to point out that independent estimates have the volume of oil at the equivalent of the Exxon Valdez…Once a week , Every week for 58 days with no end in sight.
Chair: That makes this “spill” bigger than NINE Valdez tankers. - Nine Tankers with no end in sight!
Hayward: Yes that is correct, In so far as you understand it of course. But I remind the chairman that the volume of natural gas dumping out of the deep water well is seventy times the volume of oil.
Chair: Seventy times, My Lord! Is that something you are proud of ??
Hayward: Well we are proud it is not oil, that is for sure.
Chair: So you are telling me that the volume of gas coming out of the well is enough to heat a medium size city for a year ?
Hayward: Yes sir it is, enough to heat a small city anyway. Every four hours. I bet you didn’t know that!
Chair: Well sir, considering the magnitude of this disaster, do you think the procedures you have attempted so far have been worthwhile.
Hayward: Well of course they are. If nothing else the consumption of time has been well worth the effort and cost.
Chair: There is nothing you could have done to close the well earlier?
Hayward: No. The idea of using munitions to close the well was discussed but we don’t have ice drilling equipment.
Chair: Why? (rubbing his forehead) would you need ice drilling equipment?
Hayward: The BP stock price stock advisers said we had to get that relief well started because if we didn’t have that baby permitted before that hole was shut that the entire Gulf of Mexico would freeze over before we got permission to drill again in that spot.
Chair: So you are telling me that the relief well is just a cover to drill another well.
Hayward: Sir! It “IS” a trillion dollar well. And, There are two relief wells permitted. You know America needs the oil!
Chair: I see. So the well has been allowed to dump ten times the oil of the Valdez just so you guys can get a permit to drill another well in the same spot.?
Hayward: Well I would not say that I "knew" that exactly.
Chair: Hayward, What else do you not know ?
Hayward: Maybe that there are rivers of oil flowing under the seabed floor like spider legs from the well site.
But like I said, I don’t know. I don’t know when I will know.
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